I'm almost tired

I'm almost tired

See that?  A play on words.  Tomorrow, I finally have an appointment to get my new tires - just in time for winter.

In reality though, I'm already tired.  I spend most days waiting for the phone to ring, hoping to have enough clients to get me through each month.  There are two types of "self employed" - those that have a thriving business, and those that do whatever they can to avoid starvation.  I'm in the latter camp.

I'm not depressed, per se; just really disillusioned.  When 9-11 happened, I was already approaching that "invisible line" where IT people are considered "over the hill".  Having decided several years earlier to leave a reasonably secure job in my hometown to pursue a better-paying position at a prestigious company within commuting distance just across the border, I didn't foresee any event that would result in me losing that job.  The thickening of the border after the terrorist attacks created a situation that still has an impact on cross-border commuting to this day.  Not only did commuting during the immediate days, weeks and months become increasingly difficult; but the economy itself was affected, resulting in a significant downsizing of my employer's operations.  And I was one of those deemed "expendable".

It took many months to find employment, and when I did finally find a company willing to hire an "older" worker in an IT capacity, it was for far less than I had been accustomed to earning.  Far less, in fact, than the salary I had been earning prior to leaving my stable employment to seek fame and fortune across the border.  And then, that job disappeared with the sale of the company to a competitor.

I have few regrets in life.  Leaving a company I really loved and helped succeed was one of them.  I hadn't realized that I had been slated to fulfill a VP-level position in that organization - a fact I discovered during my farewell party.  In hindsight, sticking with them would have been the best solution - and I would have never accepted a position elsewhere had I known about the catastrophic event that would happen less than five years later.

As I approach the nine-year anniversary of my own small business, I guess I should be happy it's still in existence.  I haven't lost hope that things will improve, but I would prefer to see that happen sooner than later.

And now, I'm off to help another client.