The Funeral, Kaddish and Kiddish


Part I: The Funeral

As is the Jewish tradition, funerals are held as soon as possible after death. With my father passing just minutes before midnight on Tuesday, there wasn't time to arrange for a Wednesday funeral. So, we had it today instead. With dad being the last of his siblings to pass away, the only surviving relatives were of a younger generation. I've never been overly social, so I wasn't sure how many people would come to pay their respects. To say I was overwhelmed by the response would be an understatement. Several of my relatives made last minute changes to their plans to be here. In one case, second-cousins vacationing on the east coast drove 10 hours by car to get to the funeral on time. In another case, a cousin who had started reading my blog shortly after his last trip to Windsor made arrangements to come to the funeral even before I had formally told him of my father's death - he had read about it on the blog!

It seemed that each person who came had something wonderful and touching to say about my dad. Though I had known how this man had touched the lives of so many, still it was a real tribute to show up at the funeral, where no-one but the survivors would ever know they had come. Words cannot express the joy they brought to me, my sisters, and my mom.


Part II: The Kaddish

I remember going to a funeral a long time ago where the son of the deceased was unable to recite the Kaddish (the traditional prayer for the dead). It scared me, because for the past few years, I've had this morbid fear of screwing up this prayer at the gravesite, thereby somehow dishonouring the memory of my father. There are several variations of the Kaddish, with the "Reader's Kaddish" and "Mourner's Kaddish" being the most familiar. These prayers are recited several times during the course of a daily religious service; so despite the fact I don't attend services as regularly as I should, I have still learned these prayers over a span of over 40 years. There is another version of the Kaddish known as the "Grand Kaddish". As its name implies, it is longer than the other versions (about double in length), and happens to be unfamiliar to me. It is the "Grand Kaddish" that is recited during burial ceremonies. Yesterday, while visiting my sister's home, I asked her whether I could look at a prayer book, so I could get an advanced look at that prayer.

It was a monster. I recognized the words that began the prayer. But, beyond the first four words, it was Greek to me. I don't speak Hebrew. I don't understand the language at all (OK, maybe I know the word for "father", "mother", "dog", "water" - but that's not "speaking" the language). Hebrew, however, is phonetic. That is, each letter of the Hebrew alphabet has a distinctive sound. That means that I can "speak" the language without knowing what I'm saying. Unfortunately, being able to parrot the sounds is difficult, because, without knowing what you're saying, there is no ability to "anticipate" what comes next. It makes reading very difficult. The first time I tried reading the seven-line first paragraph, it took me nearly ten minutes. Not only would this not be acceptable, it would be downright embarassing.

I decided to create a transliteration of that first paragraph (the remaining paragraphs were the same as the other kaddish versions, so I already knew them). A transliteration is created by assigning English letters to substitute for the sound made by the Hebrew letters (consonants) and punctuation marks (vowels).

Hebrew letters are read/pronounced from right-to-left as you read the page. Using the alphabet and sound guide from the link above, imagine how long it would take you to create this example of transliteration. It shows the "usual" version of the Kaddish (the one I know by heart). Since I was having trouble reading the passage, it took quite a while (nearly an hour) to get a transliteration that was both accurate, and easy to read. If you don't know what I mean by "easy to read", try reading this: ify oud on'tk now wha time ant ryre adin gth is.

So, an hour later, I have finished the work, and begin to practice reading the transliteration. There's no way I'm going to memorize this passage overnight, but if I can at least make it sound "familiar" to me, I should be able to get the reading rate up. I had been practicing for a good half hour, and had the reading time down to about 1-1/2 minutes for the paragraph. That's still slower than it should be read, but tolerable. The only thing I needed now was a copy of the prayer book to take to the gravesite with me, so I could "hide" my cheat sheet.

My brother-in-law was quite accommodating, managing to locate a more compact (portable) version of the prayer book. I was about to leave the house with the book when (for some unknown reason), I decided to look inside and read the prayer again. To my absolute shock, I discovered that the two prayer books did not agree on the wording of the prayer! In this seven-line paragraph, I found about a half-dozen words that were different between the versions! Remember, I don't know Hebrew, so I had no way to tell whether the discrepancies were due to typographical errors, writing style, or who knows what else!

I was going to be meeting the Rabbi later that evening to make arrangements about the service, so I thought I'd transliterate the different passages and ask the Rabbi which version of the prayer was correct. I'm glad I did... because it turns out the SECOND version of the prayer was the correct version.

So, here I am, standing at the gravesite, but I had forgotten to bring the prayer book with me. No problem... I'd just borrow the Rabbi's copy. When it came time for the prayer, I held his prayer book, pulled out my trusty (revised) transliteration, and proceeded to stumble through the first paragraph in what seemed like a long time to me, but probably because I was so nervous. Once I finished the first paragraph, I put away my cheat sheet and began to recite the familiar part of the Kaddish from the book. Then, believe it or not, I ran into one stanza in the "familiar" portion of the prayer that didn't seem so familiar. Luckily, the difference between what I was reading, and what I remembered, was only one word - and an easy one to pronounce at that.

I've worried about this prayer for twenty years. Now, I can finally exhale.


Part III: The Kiddish

I didn't eat breakfast this morning. I'm not sure why, perhaps just nervous. But the funeral service was scheduled to start at 1:00PM, with the burial scheduled to follow after a lengthy funeral procession. By the time we got the "business" out of the way and proceeded to the catered buffet meal, it would be past 3:30PM. I've been to lots of catered meals put on by the synagogue. In every case, the meal doesn't start until grace is recited. Everyone (myself included) was milling around impatiently waiting for the Rabbi to arrive so he could recite the grace. He finally did arrive, only to approach me and ask why no-one was eating. When I told him, he looked at me with that "what, haven't you ever been to one of these gigs before?" looks. Turns out the grace is said by the same person who recited the graveside prayer. Translation: EVERYONE WAS WAITING FOR ME, and I didn't even know it.

I have to say, the Kiddish was a big hit. I had no idea how many people to expect for the funeral service, and didn't have a clue how many would actually travel out to the gravesite for the interment. And from there, I had no idea how many would actually proceed to the buffet. My sister had ordered enough food for sixty people. Somewhat fewer actually came, but when you consider that only about 1/4 of the attendees were local, that's a good turnout. This kind of spread is one of the things I usually enjoy photographing, but needless to say, it would have been VERY inappropriate of me to whip out the camera (I had actually brought the camera with me, but wisely left it in the car). I can't begin to tell you the variety and quality of food offered to the guests... although I can say from experience that the smoked salmon, bagels, grapes, egg salad, tuna salad, pickles, and brownies were delicious. I can also say there were at least five tempting dishes I passed up because my plate had been filled with the aforementioned items.

Anyway, I do believe the food was well received. And from the limited amount of doggie bag food available afterward, I think I can safely say that the buffet was a hit. Kudo's to my sister for ordering the right amount of food, without any idea how many people would actually show up.

In addition to food, the Kiddish gave me the opportunity to visit with each table (a table roughly corresponding to one or two family units). There was one exception. By sheer coincidence, one of my cousins was celebrating a "reunion" on the occasion of their twin-daughters' 40th birthday celebrations. They took time to gather the entire clan - three generations worth - to come to the funeral. They used at least two tables on their own.

Every time our extended family gathers for a wedding, funeral, bar mitzvah... we always say we'll get together. And of course, with everyone having busy lives and living in different cities, we never do. Here's hoping that this time, we WILL get together and not wait until the next sad occasion.